


one day baby we'll be old

by chanyeolanda



Category: 15& (Band), GOT7
Genre: Abortion, Drinking, Multi, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Situations Under the Influence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-23
Updated: 2015-06-23
Packaged: 2018-04-05 19:22:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4191918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chanyeolanda/pseuds/chanyeolanda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>growing up is not the same as growing older (alternatively, yugyeom might be a little bit in love with all his friends or maybe none at all and alcohol doesn't hold the answers, but yugyeom isn't sure if it's helping him find them or confusing the matter further)</p>
            </blockquote>





	one day baby we'll be old

**Author's Note:**

> written for kpop-olymfics 2015; prompt: go crazy- 2pm; music video and lyrics
> 
> might still be reworked, but i've been sitting on it for a while so might as well post it (any comments or concrit will be welcomed in light of the potential reworking)
> 
> title from asaf avidan's one day (the reckoning song)

_white_rabbit_jefferson_airplane.mp3_

yugyeom was in no hurry to grow up, but bambam was, and yerin was, and sometimes he thought jimin already had, in ways he couldn't explain, and they never let him forget just how much of the youngest he was. but somewhere along the line, the boundaries between adulthood and childhood blurred and he wondered how he could be in both states at the same time. 

he didn't feel any different than he had four years previously, but the then-touted pure innocent crystal yugyeom was now lying on the floor, watching the ceiling spin above him, sound muffled in his ears as he wondered vaguely about the logistics of moving.

his palms were flat on the ground in an attempt to stop the earth from tilting, vertigo swooping through his stomach in occasional waves and he thought that he should put his hand on his belly button to ground himself (who had told him that, he couldn't remember). idly he wondered where everyone was and if anyone would stumble across him, because right then he was quite content where he was, humming a soft little song to himself as colours settled in behind his eyelids.

_shots_lmfao.mp3_

they'd all been legal for a little while, but managing to carve out corresponding free time proved to be a task they hadn't counted on- so when they did, they were all more than ready, and yugyeom resigned himself to a day of bambam yelling in his ear excitedly before it was time to meet the girls (a message he got from yerin confirmed that she was suffering the same fate with jimin, and he couldn't help but laugh). 

there was a risk of being recognised, but they'd convinced their managers as they headed off, i.d's confidently at hand, that it was minimal, really, and they'd find a packed club with so many people in it would be easy to get lost in the crowd. 

which is exactly what yugyeom did, about an hour after they'd arrived, second drink in hand and running low, and he was spinning around trying to see any of them over the pulsing dancefloor. 

bambam saw him the same time yugyeom spotted him, hanging off a bar strut, probably on a chair, and yugyeom could only be thankful about the volume of the club when bambam's mouth opened in an inaudible yell and he started waving his arms frantically. yugyeom was attempting to weave his way through the crowd when he saw jimin pulling herself up by bambam's arm to see over the crowd, and joining in the yelling.

by the time he got the bar, yerin had her head pillowed in her arms, shaking with laughter as bambam and jimin yelled over each other, their words ringing empty as white noise in yugyeom's ears.

'we lost you so we've already had our shots, but here, have yours while we get more,' jimin was saying when he started registering their words again, shoving a shot glass into his hands.

he downed it without question and made a twisted face at the burn. 

'did you just give me ethanol,' he rasped and jimin and yerin laughed, bambam too busy hanging over the bar talking to the bartender to hear (a fact yugyeom was a little grateful for, because he could just see bambam imitating whatever face he'd made for weeks afterwards).

'they asked for the strongest alcohol they had,' yerin told him and he nodded in understanding.

'whatever it is, it's foul,' he said, and she laughed and nodded in agreement, just in time for bambam to whirl around and hand them more shots. yugyeom eyed them suspiciously before deciding that they were a different colour to the one before, and also, he didn't care, being that his extremities were tingling and this is what they came for, after all.

a chorus of yells and unintelligible toasts rang out before they down the liquor and yugyeom's laughing at the split-second faces they all pulled as it scalds their throats and stings their noses (there isn't anyone else he'd rather be doing this with).

he lost track of time and the number of shots until the music was pounding in his ears and his nerve endings were dulled and his mind was spinning and his balance was off and his words were slurred by his heavy tongue as he tried to shout over the music, telling jimin something that seemed very important but was rapidly slipping through his fingers. numerous 'what's?' later and he shook his head with a laugh, not remembering what he had started out saying to begin with and he went back to trying to dance in the crushed space, shooting a grin at a woman who was looking at him appreciatively.

he had no idea what the time was when jimin was tugging at his sleeve, arm looped through bambam's and he followed them blindly as they made their way through the crowd to get outside, the air feeling exceptionally cool against his cheeks as he reached out to grab bambam's shoulder as he stumbled (probably not the best idea, as he almost took jimin and bambam down with him). yerin was already outside, running her fingers through her hair and telling them she'd called for a taxi already.

'we have dance practice in like six hours, fuck,' bambam groaned when he leaned against yerin to check the time on her phone, swatting at jimin when she promptly pointed and laughed.

yugyeom was torn between groaning and laughing himself, his hand fluttering between nearby arms and shoulders in an attempt to stop himself from swaying, before giving up and sinking down to sit on the pavement, his head spinning. he pushed bambam off his shoulder when he tried to use him as a chair, laughing as he ended up on the ground with a yelp and flailing limbs.

yerin laughed as yugyeom fended away bambam's kicks, standing there swaying slightly herself, although yugyeom was unsure if that was her or jimin, who had her arms wrapped around yerin's waist, leaning heavily against her.

'stop it,' yugyeom groaned, laughing, as bambam's heel connected with his thigh, 'stop it.'

'stop it, stop stop stop stop it,' jimin sang almost to herself, knocking herself and yerin off-balance with her half-attempted dance moves and yerin whined in protest.

'i shouldn't lie on the ground,' bambam commented, staring up at the sky and yugyeom shook his head.

'no, you shouldn't.'

'shut up, you put me here.'

'you sat on me!'

the well-worn routine of their bickering only stopped when a taxi pulled up and they piled in, chattering over each other.

'that went well,' jimin announced, eliciting a chorus of nods and murmurs of agreement.

'see, management had nothing to worry about,' bambam added confidently, 'and we're getting a cab home because we are responsible adults.' his last words dissolved into a choked laugh that everyone continued, laughter filling the taxi.

'we are adults,' yerin said almost wonderingly and jimin wrinkled her nose.

'bit of a weird thought, isn't it? adults,' she mused, and shrugged. 'i don't really feel like an adult.'

'what does an adult feel like?' bambam interjected, and jimin reached out to run her hands over yugyeom and bambam's chests.

'more like yugyeom, less like you,' she shot back, and the taxi echoed with laughter again. 

yugyeom thought it'd gone smoothly, for a first time out legally. of course, a corner of his mind reminded that that remained to be seen when the world woke up the next morning and fingers clattered against keyboards, but he thought that luck was in their favour.

(it was, as it turns out, even if the older members teased him and bambam at dance practice the next morning as they stumbled just a bit more than usual at the beginning, knocked off-balance by not quite metabolised alcohol.)

_i_touch_myself_divinyls.mp3_

getting the shower last was a mixed blessing. on the downside, he might run out of hot water. on the upside, he didn't have a time limit. 

that reason alone was a dead giveaway when anyone requested the last shower, so yugyeom didn't, not wanting to get knowing smirks from everyone. instead, he just let everyone else go first, feigning being busy, and then he was the last one in the bathroom, the water beating down on his back as he curled a soap-slicked hand around himself.

there was no time limit, he could take it slow, and the relief flitted through his mind as he stroked slowly, enjoying the feeling. his mind wandered until it settled on long hair and curved lips and almond eyes, familiar and trusted, and he licked his lips, shifting a bit to settle himself.

it had been yerin for ages, it was habitual as he imagined scenes he'd imagined countless times before. he was far past the point of feeling bad, this- what he imagined when he touched himself- it existed in a vacuum. he never told anyone and the thoughts were as far fetched as a dream because it was _yerin_ and she didn't like him like that, never had, and he knew that without her saying it, and it was okay, he was fine with it. he'd never push her, never put her in that awkward situation, never do anything of the sort, so all he did was admire her in his own time. she was beautiful, and had only gotten more so over the years and he imagined her lips against his, the taste of the skin under his tongue, imagined the fingers wrapped around him were slimmer and long-nailed and his breathing came heavier, his eyes closed to sharpen images behind his eyelids.

he had to bite down on his other hand as a precaution when his orgasm hit him unexpectedly, and he was panting against the back of his hand as he worked himself through it, body slowly relaxing.

he watched the water wash his cum down the drain, nudging at stubborn drops with his foot to make sure it was clean again, allowing himself time to breath, time to languish in the aftermath before he reached for the soap again to clean himself up, the water running cooler than before.

maybe it wasn't the smartest thing, he sometimes thought afterwards, to think about her like that so often, to _use_ the idea of her for that purpose, but he washed that thought away with his shampoo, because it's not like he thought about her like that all the time, it's not like it caused a strain on their friendship. he didn't treat her any different than he did jimin, didn't think about her any differently than he did any of his friends any time other than warm water and slicked up palms.

_blame_it_on_the_alcohol_jamie_foxx.mp3_

they didn't drink to excess in their dorm often, but a few shots of soju at the restaurant to toast the wrapping up of another successful round of promotions turned into a few more bottles back at the dorm and yugyeom thought it was a good thing there wasn't an old lady with a possible noise complaint anymore, because if there was, their alcohol-amplified voices would certainly qualify for one.

youngjae was the first to bow out, curling up on the couch around a fan-given plushie and falling asleep while he watched jackson and jinyoung bickering, grins wide and feet unsteady- he was asleep by the time they collapsed to the floor in laughter; a brief break in their verbal joust (something about their stages and fanservice, yugyeom was unsure on the details, though no less amused by the sight).

it was bound to happen; no one was surprised, not when they were in each other's faces in jest too often to count. alcohol smudged the distance and lips landed on lips and were laughed off, collapsed against each other in giggles. but jinyoung always was a sensual drunk and alcohol made jackson even less aware of the concept of personal space, so when jackson pressed his lips to jinyoung's again moments later, it wasn't surprising that jinyoung kissed back. 

yugyeom cheered and applauded and mark hiccupped himself into laughter, telling yugyeom tenfold to remind him to never let them forget this- a request yugyeom gladly agreed to while he cat-called his hyungs.

bambam was yelling and attempting to wolf-whistle, even as he poked at the nearest ipad, trying to find the camera app.

jaebum was staring at jinyoung and jackson as if he didn't know what to make of two of his friends making out against the couch (yugyeom thought he was thinking too much- or maybe he was conflicted because youngjae was lying so close to them), but shook himself out of it when he noticed bambam, letting out a exclamation and wrestling the ipad from him as bambam protested wildly.

'but hyung!'

'no, you'll probably accidentally send it to instagram!'

'i would _never_ ,' bambam insisted indignantly, but jaebum shook his head with only a few moments of hesitation.

yugyeom understood; it wasn't something they could really risk getting out accidentally- maybe an edited recounting of it could become an amusing anecdote for interviews, but a leaked picture wouldn't go down well (bambam knew that, of course, but habitual routes and drunk fingers could be dangerous with bambam spending as much time on sns as he did). yugyeom didn't really see anything wrong with it, it's not like kissing had to mean anything other than affection, but maybe not everyone shared the same sentiments.

nevertheless, he reminded mark loudly about it the next morning as the last straggler joined the group for breakfast, inspiring renewed hoots from bambam and laughter from jaebum and mark. yugyeom was certain jinyoung's ears pinkened and jackson let out a groan.

'what?' youngjae asked, looking confused.

bambam was quick to gleefully fill him in. 'jackson-hyung and jinyoung-hyung shared a very passionate liplock last night. it was kinda gross, actually, i thought i was about to see things that would scar my poor virgin eyes.'

jackson snorted. 'as if those eyes are anything near virgin.'

'you and jinyoung-hyung made out?' youngjae asked and jinyoung shrugged.

'so what if we did? people do stupid things when they're drunk, it doesn't mean anything,' he said calmly.

'don't you think calling jackson-hyung a stupid thing might be a bit harsh?' yugyeom inquired innocently, hands coming up in an instinctive response to jinyoung's raised hand and annoyed exclamation.

'it's not a big deal, guys,' jackson cut in, 'i was drunk, i like kissing, he's good at it. that's it. it was just kissing.'

'how open-minded of you,' mark teased

'would you like me to tell everyone just how open-minded you can be-'

mark cut jackson off by stuffing food into his mouth and the conversation was derailed into jackson calling attempted murder and that was that.

(none of them ever did let them forget it, but the teasing was light-hearted and expected- it really wasn't a big deal, yugyeom thought. why couldn't friends kiss friends, anyway, surely it happened all the time.)

_ebeneezer_goode_the_shamen.mp3_

yugyeom had grown up with hushed whispers about drugs and narcotics surrounding him, never really discussed out loud, never mentioned by adults except to condemn, and he'd never paid them much thought past an idle non-interest and vehement belief that they would ruin his health, his mind, his life.

as the years went by, and he started talking to bambam, and jackson, and mark, and they told him stories about friends of theirs and friends of friends and the attitude towards drugs where they grew up, and while all of their stories carried threads of condemnation of the substances by others, none of them were quite so harsh. maybe it was because he was young and impressionable, but suddenly drugs didn't seem like the doomed monsters he'd thought them to be (he thought it was just a matter of being open-minded, of being exposed to new ideas; after all, public sentiment towards anything was changing as time wore on, that's how the world worked). it didn't mean he had any intention of seeking them out, thoughts of substances slipping from his mind as he focused on dancing, singing, the team.

fast forward a few years and bambam's pulling at his sleeve at a private party, tugging him into a corner with shining excited eyes, jackson throwing an arm around his shoulders with a wide grin. hushed words and joking warnings and then yugyeom had a small pill in his hand, hidden from anyone else ('i know someone,' jackson had said when asked where he'd gotten them, and yugyeom wasn't even surprised- jackson knew everyone).

'what about you?' yugyeom asked, noticing jackson had nothing in his own hand and jackson laughed.

mark appeared behind him, draping his arms around jackson and nuzzling into his neck, bouncing on the heels of his feet- altogether a little more exaggerated behaviour than mark normally displayed, and when he peeked up to give yugyeom and bambam a fond grin, hands reaching out to trail through their fringes, yugyeom got it. it must have shown on his face because jackson's grin widened and mark laughed, his chin resting on jackson's shoulder, and yugyeom was struck by the thought that if his parents knew, they would be markedly less fond of the two, even if it didn't _really_ change anything, in his opinion.

'now, if you'll excuse me, the dancefloor's calling my name,' jackson told them and mark detached from jackson's shoulder to dig into his pockets.

'play responsibly,' he told them, handing them each a lollipop.

'what's this?' yugyeom asked, maybe a little nervously and mark shrugged.

'just a lollipop,' he replied and then jackson was dragging him away, their laughter tripping over each other.

yugyeom looked at bambam as if his mind wasn't already made up, as if this wasn't happening the second jackson had run his palm over his own.

bambam held out his fist for a quick fistbump, and then it was done, and yugyeom was left worrying at the wrapping of the lollipop.

'and now?' he asked, and bambam shrugged.

'now we wait, i guess.'

later on found yugyeom lost in the music in the way he'd been a million times before, but at the same time it was different, it was _more_ in a way yugyeom couldn't describe as he felt the bass of the music thrumming through his body like a heartbeat. it just felt so _good_ , everything felt so good.

he turned at the sound of his name, face breaking into a grin at the sight of bambam, sweat stained brow and lollipop in his mouth, and yugyeom was overcome with a rush of affection, reaching out for him. 

'how're you feeling?' he asked, unconsciously bouncing to the music as he played with bambam's fingers, lost in the feel of skin against skin and bambam laughed.

'great. everything's great. i love you,' he told yugyeom, pulling his hand away and yugyeom was disappointed until he wrapped his arms around him in a tight hug, and he laughed, squeezing tighter.

'love you too,' he said, distracted by the feel of his shirt under his palm. 'i'm thirsty,' he declared and bambam nodded. 

'drinks. water,' bambam decided, dragging yugyeom through the crowd.

the water was cool sliding yugyeom's throat, and he was amazed at how much he enjoyed it. arms wound around his waist and he put his hand on them automatically before turning his head to see who it was, joy spreading through him when he saw mark.

'hyung!' he exclaimed, leaning forward to press his lips to his cheek on a whim and mark just laughed and tilted his head away, not quite detaching. 

'having fun?' he asked, wiping his cheek on yugyeom's shoulder, reaching to take the rest of yugyeom's water as yugyeom nodded. mark grinned and detached with a mild 'good,' before drifting off again. yugyeom belatedly realised that he'd stolen his water, but he couldn't bring himself to feel anything but fond amusement.

'my mouth's dry,' he told bambam suddenly, in realisation or remembrance and bambam nodded.

'try the lollipop,' he said and yugyeom didn't understand but it didn't matter because he was unwrapping the lollipop anyway.

he almost moaned when the sweetness hit his tongue, the taste coating his mouth and dripping down his throat in a way that made him feel ecstatic.

'good, right?' bambam asked eagerly. yugyeom swirled the lollipop around in his mouth once more for good measure before giving a wide grin.

'never better,' he replied, ever fibre in his body tingling with the sincerity of the sentiment.

_rub_you_the_right_way_johnny_gill.mp3_

it wasn't that he wasn't lucid and in control, but he probably wouldn't be doing this without the chemicals running through his veins (without the intoxication running through her veins, just enough to set things in motion).

'this' being making out with jimin in a deserted practice room, the two having snuck away from the main party.

he'd hoisted her up onto the piano, because her heels were long gone and the height different proved troublesome to navigate.

her legs were around his waist, her fingers threading through his hair, his hand travelling up her thigh under her skirt, the other braced on the piano. they kept breaking out into bursts of laughter as they kissed, moments of incredulous amusement before breathing each other in again.

one of her hand slipped from his hair as she nipped at his lip, moving down to press against his chest, fingers straying until they caught on buttons and then her other hand came down to undo them as if it were an idea just happened upon.

'messing up my outfit,' he whispered against her lips and she choked on her laughter, giving a weak imitation of a slap on his chest.

'boo fucking hoo,' she replied between giggles, leaning her forehead on his chest for a moment. 'this is weird.'

'what?' he asked, not having quite caught her words and she shook her head.

'never mind,' she said, reaching up to tug him down into another kiss, pulling him closer, her legs opening wider, her elbows on his bare chest as her hands cupped his jaw.

his hand came up to brush the hair out of her face from where it threatened to get caught in their mouths, his other hand splayed high up on her thigh, moving lightly and gently squeezing as he lost himself in the sensations.

a small sound curled from her throat when his fingers brushed against the crotch of her panties and he drew back enough to detach their lips briefly.

'is that okay?' he whispered, his voice rough.

'that was not an upset sound, it's definitely okay,' she replied, leaning in to press her lips against his, and he responded by kissing her deeply, pressing his fingers more firmly against her. 

he moved her panties aside, working his fingers around them, slipping a finger into her, feeling her warm dampness. 

'this so isn't working,' she said on a laugh, pulling away from him, and he moved his hand away.

'sorry, sorry,' he said hurriedly, and she laughed again shaking her head.

'no, no, you were fine, just...' she wiggled on the piano, reaching under her skirt. 'help me get these off.'

yugyeom blinked at her in incomprehension for a beat or two before he laughed with realisation and slipped his hands up her thighs to help pull off her panties, their hands colliding with breathless giggles as she rocked from one side to the other, manoeuvring them off. 

he leaned forward to kiss her again when they were off, bursts of laughter against her lips as he put them on the piano, bunched in his hand, before the laughter died out as he kissed her again in earnest, his hands pushing her thighs back gently, spreading her legs. 

she let out a little hiccup as his finger slid down between her folds, slippery and warm in a way that made his breath catch in his throat. he stroked her languidly, a finger delving in and out of her occasionally until two fit easily and she was breathing quicker against his lips.

'come on, come on, come on, more,' she muttered, her hand resting lightly on the back of his neck and he ducked down to mouth at her neck as he sped up. 'up,' she whispered, and he slipped his fingers out of her, sliding them up until she let out a happy moan and he grinned into her neck.

his wrist was just starting to protest the angle when small whines curled from her throat, her breath hitching erratically, and small affirmations and pleas to keep going fell from her lips, so he did just that, her hips starting to move against his hand, moving faster, her hand braced against the piano. 

and then the whines turned into bitten off moans, her body moving sharply, her back arching, her legs raising and bending until her feet were resting on his hips, and he kept stroking her through it until he felt her entire body relax, jerking every time his finger ran over her clit.

she was breathing heavily, giggles breaking apart as he drew back, grinning, laughter of his own in his throat, bringing his hand up to his mouth to lick at his fingers for want of something better to do.

'oh god, what are you doing,' she said, and he shrugged, not seeing a need to answer. 'oh god, what did we just do. why are you so good at that. if yerin knew- oh god, yerin, yerin can't know about this,' she finished with a laugh.

'why not?' he asked, not seeing that line of thought, and jimin shrugged helplessly.

'i don't know. it's you. i mean, i guess it's fine, it's just- i don't know. not that- i mean, it's not like she'll be mad, she doesn't- like, she doesn't like you like that, sorry, that wouldn't be a reason.' she looked almost apologetic as she told him, and he wondered just how obvious he'd been.

'i know,' he replied simply.

jimin nodded. 'okay. good. yeah. um.' she laughed again, and her eyes fell to his crotch and her expression flickered before she looked up at him. 'you- uh- you're-' she pointed at his crotch and he resisted the urge to glance down (he could feel himself straining against his pants, he knew exactly what he'd see). 'do you need some help?' she asked, giving up trying to explain his situation.

he shrugged. 'it would be nice. only if you want to.'

her laughter was infectious. 'only if i- dude, you just- kim yugyeom, just come here,' she told him, reaching out to pull him into another giggle-laden kiss, a hand sliding down his stomach, and he idly wondered if he could beat his previous record with her (after she'd finished with him, of course).

_en_el_cielo_no_hay_cerveza_(in_heaven_there_is_no_beer)_flaco_jimenez.mp3_

jackson had come up with the suggestion, but no one had exactly resisted the idea to go on a tour of the breweries during their free time. they were in berlin for a show, and had managed to wangle almost an entire day off. 

it had become a habit to sample the local alcohol when they went to foreign countries, depending on whether they were legal there or not, and yugyeom had to say it was nice to be able to see the city as well as they tasted an assortment of beers (some better than others, yugyeom guessed, even though jinyoung complained that they all tasted the same to him). 

'this is how we should do the tasting in future,' jaebum said as they headed back into the hotel, 'we tasted them, appreciated the nuances and craft that went into them. it's very civilised and mature, and none of us are drunk.' he punctuated his sentence with a hiccup and jinyoung laughed at him.

'are you sure?' he asked.

'tipsy,' jaebum corrected, 'i never said we weren't tipsy.'

'well, i don't think we're allowed to take alcohol on the plane, so we're going to have to finish the extra beers i got for us tonight,' jackson said and jaebum blinked at him. jackson got his faux-professor expression on and slung an arm around jaebum's shoulders. 'you see, the tastes were so subtle, i feel that the only way to truly appreciate the subtleties and the, as you said, fine craftmanship that went into these, we need to have our own tasting, where we can truly discuss the characteristics of each brew... each of these bottles are a... they're all bottles of _love_.'

they were all snorting back laughter as he finished, staring off dramatically into middle distance for a beat before breaking into his trademark cackle.

jaebum shrugged. 'okay. sounds good.'

yugyeom snorted. so much for mature.

_cocaine_j_j_cale.mp3_

'no,' yugyeom whined into his pillow when bambam threw his across the room, waking yugyeom up for the third time that morning.

'dude, _youngjae-hyung's_ already up,' bambam replied and yugyeom resisted the urge to pout into his pillow.

'i can't move,' he whimpered pathetically.

'you knew what time we had to get up this morning. come on, noyoung-hyung's going to shit a brick if you don't get up and ready, like, yesterday.'

yugyeom whimpered into his pillow. 'we're practising all day today, aren't we?'

'yeah, we've been doing that for the past like-' bambam paused, screwing up his face as he thought, before shrugging and continuing, '-at least a week or two, i don't know, i've lost track. the family concert tour is huge, you know how much time goes into it.'

'can't i pretend to be sick?' yugyeom suggested weakly, and grunted as bambam pelted him with another pillow. 'i'm so tired!' he complained.

'just have some coffee, or something,' bambam told him. 'look, i'm even picking out your clothes, i'm the best friend ever.'

'i don't like coffee,' yugyeom grumbled and he didn't have to look at bambam to know he was rolling his eyes so hard they might fall out.

'then get one of those energy drinks, or a coke or something.'

yugyeom perked up a little. 'ooh, that's an idea,' he said, reaching out for the small teddy that always sat on his bedside table, turning it over to open the zip to get to the mechanism.

'i meant coca cola,' bambam said dryly.

'i know,' yugyeom replied, digging his fingers into the stuffing and pulling out a small packet of white powder, 'but i feel like this'll be a dash more effective.' 

he glanced at their door before carefully opening the packet, sliding his little finger inside and taking a small amount of it on his pinky nail (it kept growing long, and he left it to do so because sometimes it came in useful) and holding it up to his nose, sniffing.

he made a face. 'burns,' he mutters, feeling his brain start up, sending energy ricocheting through his body. he closed the packet and pushed himself up onto his knees, wiping at his nose. he tilted his head at the small packet consideringly. 'how much trouble do you think i'd get in if i took this along?'

'like. jail kind of trouble,' bambam answered and yugyeom gave a small nod in agreement.

'yeah.' he shrugged and wedged the bag back into the bear, sipping it up and replacing it on the bedside table with a sniff.

'i can't believe you did that before breakfast,' bambam commented, throwing clothes at yugyeom.

'what, it worked, i'm up, aren't i? don't tell me you've never considered it.'

bambam threw yugyeom a look. 'i'm like the sun, yugyeom. bright, worshipped, brings life, and rises early.'

yugyeom snorted and was about to retort, when a bellow of 'we are leaving in ten minutes whether you're ready or not!' echoed through the dorm and he scrambled out of bed as if he'd been electrified, catching falling clothes as bambam cursed and raced for the bathroom.

'hey, you're awake! i thought we were going to have to send in mark!' jaebum greeted when yugyeom fell out his room, pulling on his shirt.

'wide awake and ready for the day,' yugyeom replied distractedly, sliding on the floor a bit, his shoulders colliding with bambam in the bathroom as he reached for his toothbrush with another sniff.

_the_worst_hangover_ever_the_offspring.mp3_

yugyeom emerged from the depths of sleep with bambam patting his back repeatedly, saying his name between yawns. he didn't move for a moment, trying to collect thoughts and hang on to flashes of what were either memories or hazy dreams as he took stock of his surroundings.

'yugyeom-' bambam said again, hand rhythmically hitting his shoulder blade and yugyeom grunted into his pillow to get him to stop. 'oh, are you awake?'

yugyeom grunted again, head swirling slightly as he blinked, trying to collect himself.

'how're you feeling?' bambam asked, and yugyeom thought he might hear sly amusement in his voice.

'um,' yugyeom replied eloquently and bambam snorted, and now yugyeom knew he was definitely amused. 'i don't remember getting back here last night.'

'that's not a surprise, taecyeon-hyung was practically carrying you.'

yugyeom groaned again and buried his face fully in his pillow. 'why did you wake me up' he asked, his voice muffled.

'we're leaving for the airport in about an hour, and dude, you seriously need a shower, you stink.'

yugyeom squeezed his eyes shut with a whine and rolled over onto his back, colliding with bambam's towel-covered knees with little concern. he watched the fan of the hotel room revolve a few times, splitting into two above him, stray droplets hitting his cheek when bambam ruffled his hair. 

'i think i might throw up,' he announced, and bambam made a face at him.

'bathroom's over there.' he pointed and yugyeom closed his eyes for a second before pushing himself up and rubbing his face with his hand, thinking that the bathroom sounded like a good idea- maybe he'd feel better.

with this thought fuelling him, he climbed out of bed and bambam burst into hysterical laughter that petered out into a huffing laughter interspersed with small groans as yugyeom stumbled across the floor, arms out for support or to catch him as he fell, whichever came first.

'i'm still drunk,' he decided, leaning against the bathroom door frame. 

he ran a hand through his hair and frowned. 'bam,' he asked, 'why am i shedding glitter?'

'uhhh... chansung-hyung tipped a whole pile on your head at some point,' bambam told him, and yugyeom blinked at him.

'why?'

bambam shrugged. 'jimin couldn't reach.'

another blink, and yugyeom decided to abandon that avenue of enquiry in favour of actually getting into the shower (bambam's 'about an hour' sometimes was closer to three quarters of an hour, and he wasn't sure how much time he'd already taken).

yugyeom was squinting even behind his sunglasses as they left their room, doing one last check to see they'd gotten everything, when mark came up beside him and draped an arm around his neck.

'how are you doing this fine morning?' he asked, far too brightly in yugyeom's opinion, and yugyeom didn't need to look at him to know he had his sadistic glee grin on.

'don't lean too hard, i might fall over,' yugyeom muttered and winced at mark's laugh, thankful when his arm dropped off his shoulders and he retreated, probably to guide jackson (he'd never been the most organised on mornings after after-parties).

'did you have fun last night?' jinyoung asked brightly as he settled next to him on the plane, while yugyeom was eyeing his seatbelt and wondering if he wanted a constriction over his stomach for longer than was strictly necessary.

'did i do something really embarrassing or dumb last night or something,' yugyeom replied, 'is that why everyone keeps asking me.'

jinyoung laughed. 'nothing in particular,' he said, and yugyeom narrowed his eyes at his sly smirk, debating whether he really wanted to know.

he clutched at the seat in front of him with a groan when the plane took off, and didn't miss the laughter from jinyoung and across the aisle.

'want a barf bag?' jinyoung offered, holding one out, and yugyeom just ignored him in favour on trying not to focus on the swoop of the plane as it rose into the air.

by the time they touched down in seoul a little over two hours later, his hangover had fully set in and he had to press the back of his hand to his mouth as the wheels hit the tarmac, curling into as much of a ball as he could, and his stomach still hadn't settled by the time they cleared customs. 

hiding his face in bambam's back, trying to not exacerbate the rapidly emerging pounding in his temples, he wondered if the fan's cameras would pick up a greenish hue to his face.

by the time they bundled into the van, yugyeom thought he might be dying.

'feeling a little rough?' jaebum teased fondly, pinching yugyeom's cheeks and shaking a bit.

'hyung, i'm going to throw up on you,' yugyeom said, trying not to whine. 

'want some snacks?' mark offered, sticking a packet of strong smelling chips under his nose and yugyeom gagged, turning into the window as the rest of the group laughed at his pain.

'don't,' he whined in despair.

_stop_this_train_john_mayer.mp3_

jimin's face was sombre, and that alone was cause for concern, but when jackson said yugyeom was still the baby of the group and she burst into tears, there was definitely reason to be alarmed.

'yerin's pregnant,' they managed to get out of her eventually and a stunned silence spread over them. 'i mean, she's not keeping it, obviously- she doesn't want to, she can't, it's just- it's scary, you know, for her.'

jackson had his arms around jimin in an instant, letting her cry into his t-shirt, giving comfort the best way he knew how.

yugyeom suddenly felt very old, but at the same time, he felt as young as bambam currently looked- younger than he had for a while.

(it was telling, yugyeom thought, how the colour had drained from his face when jimin had broken the news)

_i_wonder_rodriguez.mp3_

the room was dark, and yugyeom kind of missed the old nightlight throwing carefree colours on the walls, but all he was left with was the sound of bambam shifting around in his bed on the other side of the room.

'you think it's yours.'

maybe he forgot to phrase it as a question as he lay on his back, darkness moving in squares on the ceiling.

'what?' bambam's voice was quiet.

'don't pretend you don't know what i'm talking about.'

there was a silence.

'what does it matter, anyway. it's not like she's keeping it.'

'do you want her to?'

another pause, and yugyeom wondered what his own answer would be in that situation.

'no,' bambam admitted on an exhale. 'even if the choice was mine to make, no. it would ruin everything, and besides, i'm nowhere near ready to be- for that.'

yugyeom gave a quiet hum.

'you never told me.' yugyeom's voice was barely audible, but he knew bambam had heard.

'how was i supposed to tell you?' came the answer, bordering on defensive.

'oh, i don't know, _hey yugyeom, i slept with yerin,_ maybe, i think that would have done the job,' yugyeom bit back sarcastically, and he heard bambam shift and sit up in his bed.

'are you kidding me? the first secret you ever told me was that you liked her-'

' _thought_ i liked her,' yugyeom interrupted.

'-whatever, i mean, it wasn't much of a secret anyway. i didn't want to hurt you.' bambam was barely keeping his voice low, struggling.

yugyeom stared at the ceiling a bit more, as if it would tell him what to say. 'are you guys dating or something?' his voice was calm again.

'no!' bambam exclaimed, slapping a hand over his mouth at the volume, followed by a quietly muttered 'shit'. 'no,' he continued, at a lower register, 'nothing like that, we were drunk, it didn't mean anything, it only happened once. or twice.' the guilt rang clear in his afterthought, and yugyeom pushed himself up onto his elbows.

'twice?' he hissed in sharp surprise.

'it didn't mean anything,' bambam repeated insistently, 'it just kind of happened.'

'because that kind of thing just kind of happens.'

'fuck, yugyeom, what do you want me to say? it happened, i have absolutely no intention of it happening again, and yeah, this kinda thing does _just kind of happen_ , you're acting as if i did this on purpose to fucking spite you.' bambam's voice was sharp and irritable, even as he kept it quiet.

yugyeom closed his eyes and breathed deeply, in, out, in, out, fingers clenching in his sheets in annoyance until he was able to relax.

'i don't want to fight,' he said tiredly.

'i don't want you to be angry at me for sleeping with yerin,' bambam said in a small voice, 'i didn't want to hurt you, i had no idea _this_ would happen.'

'i'm not angry you slept with her,' yugyeom admitted, 'it... doesn't bother me that much. not really. i just... i don't know, bam, it kinda hurts you didn't tell me.'

'sorry,' bambam whispered after a few beats. 

the room lapsed into silence again, distant sounds of a car driving past filtering through the window.

'bam?' yugyeom whispered, 'are you okay?'

the silence stretched on and yugyeom wondered if bambam had actually fallen asleep.

'i'm trying not to freak out,' bambam's answering murmur came. 'i don't need to freak out, she's sorting it out, i just. i can't help it.'

'have you spoken to her?'

'no,' bambam said on a sigh. 'i keep opening up her contact, and starting to write something, but then i delete it all. i don't know what to say to her, like. what do you say? sorry? did she even want me to know? i don't know. do you think i should?'

'i don't know,' yugyeom replied truthfully, 'i don't know what you'd say.'

'do i send her flowers after? maybe chocolates,' bambam continued, and yugyeom stifled a laugh.

'dude, it's not funny,' he said, forcing his face into a straight expression.

bambam gave a desperate burst of laughter. 'it really isn't.'

exhaustion was starting to overtake yugyeom, and he thought bambam was probably in the same boat as he heard him yawning.

'hey, yugyeom?' bambam whispered.

'yeah?'

there was another pause before bambam continued. 'thanks for not hating me.'

'i could never hate you, bambam.'

_white_lights_gorillaz.mp3_

yugyeom was close to blitzed, the music muffled in his ears, the alcohol surging through his veins, the world tilting to keep him upright.

the club was packed, and he probably wasn't supposed to be here, but he'd just needed to get out, something unidentifiable itching at him get away from the dorm, and he'd lost the friends he'd met here, and he made a half attempt to look for them in the crowd, smoke billowing from the smoke machines, strobe lights making everything stop motion.

'kim yugyeom-ssi?' someone said, and he whirled around, stumbling a little, eyes darting around.

it was a girl, maybe about his age, maybe older, squinting at him, blurring into two. 'aren't you got7's yugyeom?' she asked and panic started to rise in him as he shook his head blindly.

'no,' he fumbled over the words, 'that's not me.'

bile rose in his throat and he made a dash for it before she could speak again, before she could look closer, pushing through the people, needing to get out, needing to get sober, needing to get home, what had he been _thinking_?

noyoung picked him up after a desperate phonecall and yugyeom endured the lecture silently all the way home, resting his forehead against the cool glass of the window.

yugyeom didn't know how he looked, couldn't make eye contact with noyoung, but by the way jaebum's evident anger subsided after he took one look at yugyeom and noyoung as yugyeom tripped over shoes and noyoung muttered furiously behind him, yugyeom guessed he wasn't a pretty sight.

he muttered a stream of sorry's as he passed his hyungs, head bowed. he stumbled and jackson caught his arm, preventing him from falling, and yugyeom stood still for a second to gain his bearings, head swirling, the floor blurring at his feet every so often.

'dude, are you okay?' jackson asked in a low voice, and yugyeom glanced up to meet concerned eyes, looking away again as he nodded.

'just drank too much,' he managed.

'you sure?'

he nodded. 'sorry for worrying you.'

'as long as our giant baby is okay,' jackson said, doubt colouring his words and yugyeom turned to wrap his arms around him, something inside of him letting go, just wanting to be taken care of, even if he didn't know why. 

_lime_tree_bright_eyes.mp3_

yerin didn't come into the company for a little while, 'family emergency' being the excuse floating around. jimin had the most variety bookings anyway, yugyeom thought, and it's not like yerin really needed to practice.

she was back sooner than he expected, casual comments of 'yerinnie's back' reaching his ears during practice, and he got out of there as soon as was polite when the choreographer dismissed them, ignoring jinyoung's teasing comments.

he found her nodding as one of the vocal coaches spoke to her, small smile on her face. she didn't see him, not until the vocal coach had already greeted and left.

'hey,' he said, his voice sounding strange in his ears as she turned around, startled. 'long time no see.'

her face crumpled and she hurried to wrap her arms around him, her tears mingling with the sweat already dampening his shirt. all he could do was wrap his arms around her and shuffle them into the nearest vocal room, letting her cry as he rubbed soothing circles on her back, trying to push the words 'it'll all be okay, i've got you' past the lump in his own throat.

'maybe you should ask if your next song can be a sad ballad,' he whispered when her sobs started to subside into sniffles and choked breaths. 'guarantee you'll win all the awards.'

yerin let out a wet laugh into his chest and stepped back, wiping at her eyes.

'i'd rather sing a happy song,' she said with sniff, and yugyeom wanted to reach out and hold her again. 'maybe if i sing it i'll feel it.'

'do you regret it?' he asked softly and she shook her head.

'i wish it hadn't needed to be done in the first place, but i don't regret it. i've worked too hard for everything.'

yugyeom nodded. 'are you okay?'

she nodded, then shrugged. 'i don't know? yes, but then also no.' she sat down heavily on the piano stool. 'i don't know.'

yugyeom glanced over as the door opened, bambam slipping into the room slowly.

'hi,' he said and yerin gave a half nod. 

'hi.'

'you guys probably need to talk,' yugyeom said a little awkwardly, starting to move towards the door- but bambam turned slightly panicked eyes on him and yerin grabbed his hand and he felt his resolve crumble, relenting easily with her fingers winding through his.

'you know?' yerin asked, her voice even softer than usual, and yugyeom nodded mutely, his stomach twisting into knots. 'then stay.' she looked at bambam, but didn't let go of yugyeom's hand.

no one said anything, and yugyeom didn't want to call the silence a pregnant one, but suddenly he couldn't think of another way to describe it and he wanted to laugh, even if he didn't feel particularly amused. he just needed something to happen, anything was better than yerin rubbing her thumb absently against his hand, staring at her lap while bambam stared at the floor, hands in his pockets, eyes darting up to look at her.

yerin was the one who eventually broke the silence.

'i probably should have told you myself. sorry.'

bambam shrugged. 'don't be. you have no obligation to me.'

'you're not angry at me?' yugyeom squeezed her hand tighter at the smallness of her voice.

bambam shook his head. 'why would i be angry at you? i just wanted to check if you were okay.'

yugyeom hadn't even realised she was tense until her shoulders relaxed and he wanted to kick himself for being so unaware and then she was looking up at bambam.

'i'm okay,' she said, 'right now, i'm okay.'

_tequila_the_champs.mp3_

when they got to mexico, yugyeom said he wasn't drinking- which meant that he didn't drink enough to be approaching legless, and was put in charge of talking mark out of trying to somersault into the hotel pool.

'i can do it!' mark insisted.

'do it!' jinyoung yelled.

'no!' yugyeom protested, laughing, 'hyung, you'll kill yourself!'

'i am the flying member,' mark informed him solemnly, before collapsing into giggles.

'not the swimming member. and you can't drink any more,' yugyeom told him firmly.

mark wrinkled his nose. 'it'd only just started to taste good.'

'you're the eldest, hyung, aren't you meant to be the most responsible?' yugyeom said helplessly, the logic making sense to his liquor soaked brain.

'jaebum's the leader,' mark replied, as if it were answer enough, and, as yugyeom decided to go and lock the room door as a safeguard, he supposed it was.

the next morning found yugyeom waking up with an elbow digging into his spine, and as he dislodged jinyoung and looked around, seeing every one piled on top of each other, he wondered if there'd been an impromptu group bonding session after he'd fallen asleep.

(jackson told him later that no one had been able to figure out how to unlatch the door to get to their own rooms in the state they'd been in, and yugyeom laughed delightedly until they were well in the air.)

_bloodstream_ed_sheeran.mp3_

jimin's birthday meant lots of people milling around, music thumping, yugyeom allowing his bones to sink into a couch, peacefully watching the crowds, opiate-laced smoke coating his insides, beer bottle hanging idly from his hand.

he felt the couch move as someone sat down next to him and he looked over to see yerin, and returned her soft smile.

'hey,' he said, 'not partying?'

she gave a half shrug. 'needed a little break.' he nodded slowly, and lifted his arm, tugging her in to cuddle into his side, his arm resting heavily on her shoulder.

'how've you been doing?' he asked, not sure when they'd last actually spoken, and he felt her shift, getting slightly more comfortable.

'not bad,' she replied, 'getting better every day.' he hummed in approval. 'you?'

he considered the question for a bit, contemplating every possibility. 'i'm alright,' he decided finally, 'i think. yeah, i'm pretty good, for the most part.' he turned his head to smile languidly at her. 'nothing i can't handle. just busy.'

she was so close, he could almost count her eyelashes if he cared to, her hair bunching up where it was caught under his arm, and he lifted his arm a bit to move it out the way, his fingers getting caught in it. 

she allowed him, eyes fixed on his face, and he slowed his swipes at her hair, studying her face. he leaned forward on impulse, old curiosity fuelling the movement, until he kissed her gently, his lips dry, the kiss chaste.

he kissed her again, once, twice more, kissing a little firmer, because she wasn't pushing him away and he was trying to figure it out, trying to figure out how it felt. he'd wanted this for years, and yet... nothing. it was nice, and he wouldn't mind doing it again, but it was nothing special.

he felt her hands on his chest, felt her break away and he pulled back, allowing his arm to fall.

'stop,' she whispered, 'i'm sorry, i can't. i shouldn't have- i don't-'

'it's okay,' he said, 'i'm the one who should be sorry- i am sorry, i shouldn't have kissed you, i don't even know why i did. i'm sorry.'

'it's just... i don't see you like that, yugyeom. i never have,' she explained, as if she needed to. 'i'm sorry.' she moved to get up, and he caught her wrist.

'don't leave, don't- it's fine, just stay here, don't... just forget it happened.' he looked up at her. 'i don't know why i kissed you, it didn't- don't let it make it weird. i know you don't like me like that. it's never bothered me before, and i'm not about to let it now. it was just a kiss that shouldn't have happened.' he felt her sit down again, folding her leg underneath her. 'i don't like you anymore, if that makes it better. i don't know if i ever really did, to be honest. i don't know if i liked you or just the idea of you.' he gave a soft laugh. 'i mean, i still like you, just... not like that, you know?'

she gave a small nod, an incomprehensible expression on her face. 

'you've just always been so beautiful, so nice, so accomplished, so _feminine_ ,' he continued, 'and i think when i met you i was at an age when i just thought... how could i not like you? i felt like it was expected. but now... i don't know. i'm not sure i know what it is to like someone. or i just like a lot of people. i haven't quite figured it out. but don't- don't let that make us weird, okay? you're a good friend, and i'd rather have that than lose you over a kiss.'

she was silent for a while, her knee resting on his leg as he nursed his beer, half focussing on the conversation and half wondering about things he'd never really wondered about before.

'kim yugyeom, when did you get so grown up?' she eventually said, her soft voice breaking through his reverie. 

he looked over at her, smile playing at his lips. 'me?' he gave a laugh, and let his head fall back to lean against the couch. 'i'm not grown up. i don't know what gave you that idea. i'm still a kid. i don't even drink coffee.'

she laughed, loose and tinkling. 'you drink beer,' she pointed out, and he glanced at his bottle with a snort, wry grin twisting at his lips as he took a mouthful. 'since when does drinking coffee make you a grown up, anyway.'

he shrugged. 'what does make you a grown up, then? what is growing up? it's such a weird concept. something no one wants to do but apparently has to. is it moving away from home? but people get married while they live with their parents, and neither of us have lived with our parents since our early teens. is it responsibility? but everyone has responsibility, and how much is dependent on situation, not age. is there an age you have to grow up by? do you have to grow up? how do you know if you've achieved it?'

she shrugged in his peripheral vision, silent for a few beats as she seemed to consider his words. 'i guess i'll tell you when i find out.'

he hummed in mild agreement. 'does it matter?'

the silence seemed to stretch on, marking beats on the passage of time.

'i don't know.'

_hummingbird_heart_charlene_kaye.mp3_

comeback stages were always big on the calendar, built up to with almost sleepless nights of practice and overshadowed by a need to be bright and at their best, no matter how many times they'd done it before.

yugyeom was exhausted, feeling as if he were about to fall asleep standing up. he needed an ace up his sleeve.

sometimes, all he needed was a kick to be flying high.

he thought it was one of the best shows he'd ever done. his energy was high, he felt invincible, he didn't make a single mistake. he breathed heavily after their stages, feeling euphoric.

'you did well out there,' jaebum told him, 'i don't know what you did, but they loved you. your voice wasn't perfect, but that's probably because you're tired. we're all tired. not that you could tell.'

'thanks, hyung,' yugyeom said brightly, giving an absent-minded sniff that had bambam narrowing his eyes from the other side of the room.

jaebum gave him a slap on the back in congratulations, and he was alone for mere seconds before bambam was in his face.

'are you serious?' he said softly, 'dude.'

'good show, huh?' yugyeom replied.

'yeah,' bambam dismissed, 'you can't bring that stuff here, i don't care how fantastic it makes you, if you get caught, we're all screwed.'

'i didn't get caught,' yugyeom assured him and bambam rolled his eyes. 

'that doesn't mean it's not irresponsible of you.'

'it was that or fall asleep mid-dance move. we have a responsibility to the fans, too. what happened to live every day like there's no tomorrow?' yugyeom said with a grin and bambam heaved a long-suffering sigh, resting a hand on his shoulder.

'yes, but there is a tomorrow, and i'd like to have a job then. i'd like to have you next to me to face it, okay.'

_night_time_the_xx.mp3_

deluged in heavy schedules with their follow-up track, youngjae and jinyoung's joint birthday dinner was a quiet affair, impromptu and welcomed, leaving the company a couple hours early, traipsing into a restaurant as the last of the supper crowd was leaving.

a few drinks had yugyeom buzzed when they got back to the dorm, feet mostly steady and arms around each other's shoulders, companiable and tired.

bambam flopped onto yugyeom's bed when he came back from washing up, landing mostly on top of yugyeom, making him groan.

'your bed is literally right over there,' yugyeom told him and bambam shook his head.

'too far,' he whined and yugyeom shifted, tipping bambam off him and onto the bed, wrapping his arms loosely around his waist.

it had happened less and less as the years went by, but sometimes bambam just needed a cuddle, even if he'd never ask for one (sometimes, yugyeom had pretended he was the one needing a cuddle, when bambam looked as if he was drawing too much into himself).

'promotions are going well,' yugyeom commented and bambam pulled a face.

'they are, do we have to talk about them, though?'

yugyeom laughed softly. 'i guess not.'

bambam hooked his legs with yugyeom's, shifting a little closer, getting a little more comfortable. he'd switched the light off when he came in, and yugyeom was glad- something about this he didn't want ruined by the harsh glare of light. he could make out bambam's face, the green and blue streaks in his current hair standing out in the dark.

'i like you,' yugyeom whispered on a whim, words he'd said numerous times in the past years, captured on cameras almost as much, tumbling from his lips so easily he didn't need to think of them.

bambam made a small noise, a breath of laughter. 'i like you too.'

the words drifted through yugyeom's mind idly. he knew bambam meant it, of course. it was weird, yugyeom thought, how that sentence could mean two very different things depending on who said it, depending on the context. _i like you_ between friends was a completely different feel to the _i like you_ of a confession. same words, different feelings. or something like that, yugyeom thought, at least in theory. were they all that different, though? did they mean something so different? or did they mean the same thing.

with these thoughts floating around in his head, he leaned forward slowly, finding bambam's lips in the dark, pressing his against them softly.

bambam didn't respond, and yugyeom pulled back just enough to separate.

'what was that?' bambam whispered, and yugyeom could feel his breath against his lips.

'i don't know,' he answered truthfully.

'okay,' bambam replied, before leaning in to kiss yugyeom again, and yugyeom could taste the beer underneath his toothpaste. 

yugyeom didn't know what it meant, didn't know what the morning would bring, didn't know what it was, but he was quite content to let it happen, to tug bambam closer and continue.

the next morning brought bambam sitting on his bed, waking yugyeom up far before he had to.

'about last night,' bambam started, pausing as if expecting yugyeom to interrupt. yugyeom could, there was an arsenal of excuses and dismissals on the tip of his tongue, but he didn't feel like using them, so he kept his mouth shut, looking up at bambam, waiting for him to continue. 'it- i mean, it can't- i don't- i like _girls_ ,' bambam explained, 'mostly, and you're my friend, my best friend, and i- i thought you liked girls too, and i know that i- you know, kissed back, but-' 

'i don't know who i like,' yugyeom cut in, wanting to rescue bambam from his stumbling monologue, 'and that includes you.'

bambam was silent, even as a flicker of relief crossed his face. 'then why did you kiss me?'

yugyeom shrugged. 'why did you kiss me back?'

bambam chewed on his lip, looking confused. 'i don't know.'

yugyeom shifted until he was sitting as well, knees colliding with bambam's. 'so let's leave it at that, then. it happened, it was nice, it doesn't mean anything more than that.'

'can that happen?' bambam asked and yugyeom raised an eyebrow.

'i can think of at least four examples that say it can.'

bambam gave a laugh. 'right.'

'if you're really worried, you can go ask jinyoung-hyung and jackson-hyung how they got through it,' yugyeom continued dryly and bambam gave a choked laugh.

'yeah, i think i'm good. i don't-' he paused and yugyeom waited. 'i kind of don't want anyone else to know,' bambam said in a rush.

'embarrassed?' yugyeom asked idly, just for the sake of teasing.

bambam shook his head. 'i don't think so. it's just- i don't know. it's just... our business, you know? ours.'

yugyeom nodded thoughtfully. 'i think i can handle that.'

_cheers_(i'll_drink_to_that)_rihanna.mp3_

'happy twenty first birthday,' mark said in english, handing yugyeom a bottle of flavoured vodka with a ribbon wrapped around it before slipping back into korean, 'now you can drink legally pretty much anywhere in the world. officially a fully-fledged adult everywhere.'

yugyeom laughed and thanked him. an adult only now in some places, an adult in his home country two years previously and he still didn't feel the difference.

(or maybe he did, he couldn't decide. so much had changed, so much had stayed the same, and he felt older and the same at the same time, and he wasn't sure how that could happen, but it did)

most of mark's gift went down easy, and every one kept handing him drinks as he moved around the room, toasts being made left and right and he didn't hear some of them fully and certainly didn't understand bambam's rattling thai, but then he thought the language of a toast was universal, and his legs weren't as stable as he could normally trust them to be.

jimin yelled and tugged him down to press kisses to his cheek, yerin laughing before darting in to do the same, and yugyeom was about to fall over when bambam pushed them out the way and pressed a sloppy kiss to his cheek. he heard jackson's voice fast approaching and resigned himself to a barrage of birthday kisses, laughter making his belly ache.

there were gifts, and then there were _gifts_ , lipstick marks on his cheeks being one of them, dried mushrooms chewed in a private corner being another, and as the world intensified around him, everything a little _more_ than it had been before, yugyeom contemplated that to celebrate getting older, people acted younger, allowed themselves a night where they didn't have to be grown up.

maybe you could be both, yugyeom thought later, flat on his back and feeling the earth rotate, colours dancing in front of his eyes as he tried to find the answers written on the ceiling, or maybe no one was ever either.


End file.
